Alternate title: What Not To Say To A Pregnant Lady

It’s a mystery that has befuddled women for thousands of years: why do people completely lose their filter when talking to a pregnant person?

In fact, I’m pretty sure if there were transcripts of the conversations of cavepeople, one of the reoccuring lines would be “Wow, you huger than woolly mammoth.”

I was anticipating some less-than-tactful comments during my pregnancy – it seems to be an unavoidable part of the process. No matter if you’re big or small, start showing early or late, people always seem to come up with just the right comment that makes you squint your eyes a little and say (to yourself, if you’re having a good day) “Really?!”

Here are a few of my favorites from my pregnancy:

-You’re pregnant? On purpose?!
That couldn’t be any less of your business, co-worker.

-“I knew you were pregnant because you’ve been eating so much more lately.” “Well I knew she was pregnant because my wife put on weight right away too.”
As much as I would love to continue playing “How we knew you were pregnant” with my co-workers in the communal kitchen, maybe we can talk about something else now.

-Do you even recognize yourself? Or do you look in the mirror every morning and think, “Wow, who is that giant woman?”
I was approximately 13 weeks pregnant at this point, so barely showing. Apparently my co-worker disagreed.

-How can you tell if your shoes match? You know, since you can’t see your feet?
This comment came from the same co-worker as the comment above, 1 week later. I get it, co-worker, you think I’m large and in charge. Let’s move on.

-Wow, you’re due in November? Are you sure there’s only one baby in there?
This comment came from a stranger at Shaws. I think Justin caught me by the back of my collar before I went lumbering after her. Or my hugeness kept me firmly planted in front of the Oreos, I can’t remember.

-So, how much weight have you gained?
Good question, lady working the cash register at the coffee shop! I’m sure the folks in line behind me are eager to hear the answer to that one.

-Enjoy it now, it’s all over once you have kids. At least you’re not having twins.
Good point, kids are just the worst. And how are your twin boys doing?

-Ooh, you’re pregnant! It’s a girl, right? A boy? Oh. Well, as long as it’s healthy, I guess…
Way to look at it glass half full, stranger at CVS. And I’m sorry to disappoint.

-It’s too bad that you can’t drive anymore. Wait, what? You’re still driving? But there’s no way you can still fit in a car!
Believe it or not, I am still able to cram my body into the SUV. Shocking, I know.

So if you ever find yourself gearing up to comment on a pregnant woman’s size or appearance, and that comment is something other than, “Wow, you’re all belly!” or “You can’t even tell that you’re pregnant from behind!” I ask that you pause, reconsider, and offer her a donut instead.