Please excuse me if I’m not my usual chipper self. Today’s installment of Me? A Model? is a little somber. I’m going to be letting you in on a difficult part of my life in hopes that you can learn something from my mistakes. Because I’m generous like that.

Hold on to your pearls, ladies, this picture is a little rough:

The time: March 2011

The place: pretty much in prison

I’m feeling: like a caged animal

It’s about to get heavy here, folks, so grab some tissues.

My life hasn’t been all giant Trader Joe’s dog treats and running under the bed with socks. There was a period of time a year or so ago when I spent some time in the pen. I’m not proud of it, but I did the crime, I paid my time and I came out of it a better hound.

My time in the pen wasn’t pretty. Do you even know how hard it is to sit in there, minute after minute, watching the world outside continued on without you? Probably not, so I’ll just tell you: It’s really hard. But you can’t let that show. If you’re going to make it in the slammer, you have to learn how to put on a tough exterior even if you’re suffering on the inside. And I know what you’re thinking: how does such a stunningly handsome hound such as myself learn to give such a ferocious snarl? To that I say: practice in the mirror while Chrissy and Justin are at work. I mean, let’s be honest…with the way I behave, it was only a matter of time before I got locked up.

I hope you’ve all learned something today.

Take us out, Bing.